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Wednesday, 16 November 2011

I hate waking up every morning to a life I dislike, and a person I'm disappointed in. This maze called life is nothing but bullshit. In the process of being lost physically, I've lost Shana mentally. I am a 5' 4" 130 pound body of mush. Shana is a beautiful girl. She is strong, outgoing and nothing short of amazing. This girl as an amazing smile, great friends and the best boyfriend anybody could ask for. One that makes all the other boys jealous. Me? I couldn't even begin to tell you. I don't have a name, nor an identity. Mush. I don't laugh. I don't smile. I am alone. I'm on an empty path to nowhere.

I used to be "emo" as everybody would call it. And the only person that knew was my best friend, until I decided that I needed to change. I told my family, and all that shit went down. Blah, blah, blah. But I don't know. Just like these days, I want nothing more than to bleed again. It was exhilarating.. I miss that feeling. I have no time to do anything anymore.. I just want to do something. I want a life changing experience.

My life is different anymore. I'm waiting for that change for the better. I want things to be different, I just don't know how to change that. The last few days my boyfriend and I have been fighting. Its like I really want us to work out. Basically, it was me being me and freaking out because he was hanging out with a girl much prettier than I, since I'm not Shana anymore. I tried to bite my tongue and that got thrown back in my face. I don't know what to say, what to do, or how to make it work. Any advice?

I just want me back. I need to take a break. I'm glad that Thanksgiving break is coming up this next week. I want me back.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

He's on you like white on rice.

I feel like its been awhile, lol. School started, and I've been pretty busy because of it, I miss spending the night with my man :(. I'm trying to graduate early this year, so I'm a senior with one Junior class. I am also taking AP Statistics as well as Anatomy and Physiology, and that shit is hard to manage with school, work, and trying to hang out with friends too. I guess I haven't found the perfect balance yet. My birthday was a couple of weekends ago. I went camping with my friends, drank a little bit, you knoww [: My Pops basically forgot my birthday, ma took me shopping and I got a shot glass, a t shirt, new pair of gauges and a pair of riding goggles from everyone else. Oh. And a bottle of 99 Bananas from my best friend. It was legit! I miss the summer time! I hate how its starting to rain already. Its making everything go all whacky! Just the other day a kid from school was shot, by another kid. No one is really paying him any respects, its very sad. There was a drive by and a girl i used to go to school with also got in a car accident, I'm glad she made it out! She is such a sweet and wonderful girl! What else has been going on. Hmm. Oh. On my camping trip, I introduced my "sister" to one of my boyfriends friends. Her plan was to just fuck with him, and play those games she's real good at. Then, during the camping trip she started liking him. Now its like, she doesn't even talk to me anymore. Its almost like she is too good for me. She has ditched me, three or four times for this guy, and honestly its like good god, you wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for me! Show some respect. Fuck. We had planned to go to the mall tomorrow, and she texted me earlier today saying that she couldn't go because her family was coming down from Idaho. Thats not something that you find out last minute. Wtf. My boyfriend and his friend work together, so I told him to tell his friend "Tell him that if she comes over tomorrow, I will know, and I will burn that house down." This is why I don't have friends. Bitches piss me off. I really just wanna say "BOO YOU WHORE" like.. all the time. lol. I dunno. Anyway. The boys birthday is on Wednesday, and I already got him a bunch of stuff, but I don't know if he is going to like it. Every time I asked him what he wanted, he would say "i just wanna spend the day with my baby girl." Sweetest thing I've ever heard, but I want him to feel spoiled just like I was. It hurts my noggin, lol. I think we are getting to that awkward point in our relationship where we want to tell each other that we love one another. Thats how I feel, and I'm afraid to say anything because I don't know how he feels about that whole thing, I never really asked. I don't feel like he is the kinda guy that would say that sort of thing..

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Smile, It won't hurt for long.

Whats everyone been up too these days? My family and I just moved into a new house with my moms boyfriend. Everyone is so stressed it out its ridiculous. You don't even understand. haha. There has been so much going on lately I don't even know where to begin. A few days ago, and old friend, Ryley Gallinger-Long (who was my ex-boyfriend freshman year) was shot and killed in Afghanistan. This hit hard. We weren't very good friends after he graduated, hell, I didn't even know he had gotten married. But something about his passing away just hurt. I cried and cried. I didn't even know what to do with myself, you know? His funeral is coming up this weekend, I'm not going to miss it either. Its going to suck, never running into him, and getting that wonderful surprise of seeing his face again..

(Ryley and his wife Hope)

In other news.. I have decided I am going to quit smoking, for good this time. Its time. I'm spending too much money and its too much effort to try and hide from my family. My boyfriend is going to try and quit as well. We want to both try and get into shape again. I want to start running and get that six-pack I've always wanted. [: I started working back at Subway again, its so different, but I'm glad to be back, I've missed everyone so much! Ohh lets see, what else am I forgetting? Oh. School is starting here pretty soon, I'm excited and I'm not. I'm going to be graduating this year, I'm pretty excited. Also, I might be going to Alaska sometime this year with my boyfriend and his dad to stay at one of their friends houses, I'm pretty excited. I've been wanting to go to Alaska for a couple years now!

Sunday, 07 August 2011

Updatee.

Its a new month, and everything is greatt. I've got a man, since June 16, yes that one that i was supposed to go on a date with. haha. Today we are going to his family reunion and i'm pretty excited. But yuhh know. I just got back from a week long softball tournament and one girl told me that I was too skinny and I needed to start eating more.. Haha. my face lit up like no other. 125 pounds [: I feel amazing. More later, i've got to get readyy [:

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Date Night.

Summer is going okay I suppose. Haven't seen that much sun what so ever. Pretty much blows. I've lost 15 pounds and I feel sexy as hell. Tonight is the night. I met a new boy about a month ago... He asked me to be his girlfriend last Saturday. It was adorable the way he asked me. [: Going to dinner tonight, our first date. Wish me luck ((: